The Me I Wanted To Be

I just found this. I was looking through my computer for song lyrics and I stumbled upon a Facebook post I wrote last year. It is so unbelievably crazy how time can change us, and most importantly how it can heal us.

 

Cheyenne Goss

10/26/2016

My Monster

 

I already know what you’re thinking. “This is so long and most likely not that important”, and if you choose to scroll past this then I truly hope you have a fantastic day! If you are still reading I want you to know that while this may not be important to you, nothing has ever been more important to me up to this very moment. So, as I sit here with my hands shaking so profusely that I can barely type please know that this IS important.. and this is the REAL me. I already have one million thoughts running through my head, and believe me they aren’t pretty. What will everyone think of me after this? Why am I even doing it? Will they even really care? … And here we are at the root of my problem. I am about to tell everyone that takes the time to read this, who Cheyenne really is. I have always and will forever care way too much about what others think of me. You see all of my pictures, you read all of my posts, you listen to all of my songs.. but you’ve never truly met the person behind the camera, behind all of the smiles and fun. Honestly, I don’t even know if my parents have really truly met her. I have an amazing life and I have always been extremely blessed. I am truly one of the happiest people you will ever meet, but when I am home alone and away from all of the hussle and bussle I am also one of the most insecure and anxious people you will EVER meet. It all really started in highschool. I was NEVER the prettiest or “coolest” girl, but oh lord that doesn’t mean I didn’t try. I still try.. I try and try to the point where I make myself physically sick from all of the worry. I try to the point where I can’t eat because I am so nauseous. I try to the point where I don’t sleep at night because all that is running through my head is “how can I be better than I was yesterday”, I am literally the definition of a Try Hard. I have lived my life with this little voice in the back of my head always pushing me to be better and always telling me that I cannot fail. I do not and will not EVER blame anyone for that other than myself. Maybe it’s just how I am wound. In high school I was bullied by people who were no better than me but made me feel like I would never amount to anything. I am not saying that I was never the bully because I definitely have fallen guilty to that as well. Past high school and into college, I thought maybe things would change and maybe I could completely start my life over. No one knew who I was, or even knew I existed for that matter. I was wrong.. because I am always running. I am always running from disapproval and disappointment. I would sometimes catch myself in little white lies because I would never think before I spoke, and now I know that all I ever really wanted was approval. I have lost many friendships and relationships because I am not able to love them how they deserve to be loved. I found out that I simply cannot love them until I fully love myself. I realize that I always preach about loving the skin you’re in and being thankful for everything God has given you.. and let me be the first to tell you, that makes me a hypocrite. I need to learn to take my own advice before I can expect anyone else to, and I thought that maybe the more I talked about it the more I would start to believe it myself. I am constantly morphing into what those around me want me to be. I am jumping back and forth confused because one day I am wearing too much makeup and the next day I walk in to Target without any on and hear people talking about how disgusting my acne scars are. I am confused because one day I am too fat and need to lose weight and the next day I am too skinny and need to eat a cheeseburger. I am confused because sometimes I find myself believing that even my best friends are talking poorly about me. Why do I care so much? I honestly cannot tell you. I wish I didn’t care and I know it is selfish of me, but it is something I have and always will struggle with. In today’s society there are so many expectations. Some of us feel like we have to live up to them, or maybe even surpass them for that matter. And for those of you that feel that way, I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. I don’t know if we call this anxiety, or if there is some super fancy word that I have yet to hear.. but what I do know is that you are NOT alone. I cannot stress that enough. Every single day I catch myself feeling so alone and thinking, why me. Why am I the one that has to be constantly worrying, and constantly terrified of what those around me think? The time has come for me to actually work on myself and start to realize that God isn’t putting me through all of this just to suffer and I need to start believing that something truly beautiful will eventually come out of this.. I know there is going to be the select few of you who comment on this and tell me that I am beautiful in my own way, loved by many, and that I have nothing to worry about.. and while I completely 100% appreciate that and love you to pieces.. I will still feel the same at the end of the day, and that is something I cannot change. I know there will also be the ones who think I am doing this only to get attention, and MY OH MY are you wrong. Do you think I want to be telling everyone that I practically drive myself crazy every single day? Do you think I want everyone to know that I am not as strong as I seem from the outside looking in? Absolutely not. BUT. If this so much as helps ONE SINGLE PERSON realize that they are NOT alone, that they ARE loved, and that they will ALWAYS have someone to talk to… I will have done my job. I wish I would have opened up to someone when I was at my lowest points, because I know deep down that there is always someone who will listen.. but that is just not the person I am. I am that person that will push every single problem further and further away until it comes rushing back at me like a stampede of wild animals. Don’t be like me. Don’t hide your problems, talk about them. I am HERE for you. Your family is HERE for you. Your true friends are HERE for you. Most importantly, God is HERE for you. Today hitting that “post” button will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I will honestly be surprised if I even make it that far. I have a monster inside of me that I am finally letting out, and will I be fine and dandy after this? No, of course not. I will still be fighting this monster for the rest of my life, but I cannot express to you how amazing it feels to finally let it out of the cage for once. It literally feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. So please just do one thing for me. Open your cage, and let your monster run free. You are not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by keeping it locked away. I understand it’s hard and I understand that you are worried about the outcome… but I also PROMISE you that it will never get better if you don’t take a chance. Today I took a chance by finally telling you about my monster. It is okay, not to be okay. 

Hello, my name is Cheyenne MaKenna Goss.. nice to finally meet you.

 

How Incredible. Not even a year later.. and I am now the girl I once wished I was. I am the girl I so desperately wanted to be when I wrote this. I have fallen in love with myself, and most importantly I have fallen in love with God. I realized that it doesn't matter how you start the race, it only matters how you finish it. So reader, my message is this - it will get better. You will find yourself again, and you will grow to like him/her. You will be happy. From one kid to another, trust in Him. You won't regret it.

4 comments

  • One proud momma

    One proud momma

    I am so stinkin proud of you! I love you more than you will ever know. You are a beautiful soul and it was my heart to see you share your life, the good and the bad, with so many people. My dear, you change lives! I'm honored to be a momma to you! 💞💞💞

    I am so stinkin proud of you! I love you more than you will ever know. You are a beautiful soul and it was my heart to see you share your life, the good and the bad, with so many people. My dear, you change lives! I'm honored to be a momma to you! 💞💞💞

  • Unknown

    Unknown

    Wow. Your story is going to touch the lives of so many people. You will be used in a mighty way.

    Wow. Your story is going to touch the lives of so many people. You will be used in a mighty way.

  • Hunter

    Hunter Osage Beach, Mo

    Thank you for sharing! Your words are truly life changing! You have no idea how much this has touched me! Thank you!

    Thank you for sharing! Your words are truly life changing! You have no idea how much this has touched me! Thank you!

  • Granny L ❤

    Granny L ❤ Middle-of-a-cornfield:)

    I remember this post. Yes, you truly are a different person from then. But, every day we all are different than we were yesterday. The challenge is to always keep ourselves moving upward, toward the goal.... Love you always and sooooo proud of you!

    I remember this post. Yes, you truly are a different person from then. But, every day we all are different than we were yesterday. The challenge is to always keep ourselves moving upward, toward the goal.... Love you always and sooooo proud of you!

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